As unofficial press rep for our book group I was extremely disappointed to read a report in The Guardian on Friday announcing the winners of this year’s Penguin/Orange Readers’ Group prize. Members of our group had fussed for weeks over our own contest entry, pointing out our many strengths to the jury and taking particular pride in our Breed-a-Reader™ program, which has managed to produce five new book consumers since our group’s inception (a statistic which those responsible attribute in part to “boring books and nothing much on TV.”)

Despite these herculean efforts first prize was awarded to the High Down prison reading group, an all-male group of “book loving fools” who are currently serving prison terms in Surrey, England.

When members of the High Down prison reading group were notified of the jury’s decision to award the all-expense-paid trip to the Edinburgh book festival to the second-place group, the Port Ellen, Isle of Islay Book Group, there were murmurs of anger, with Fred “Cracker” Dodgson threatening to “teach them bleedin’ Janeites a fing or two” if he was ever released on parole, and Ralph “Knuckles” Sayle hurling his well-thumbed copy of Harold Nicolson’s memoirs to the floor of his cell in a fit of pique.

Kay Hadwick, prison librarian and group founder, reprimanded Dodgson (currently serving five to life for Intentional Plagiarism), reminding him that “the group is non-judgemental”:

“The reading group has always been a place to share and discuss views. We can disagree but we don’t do it crossly because there is too much confrontation elsewhere!”

Dodgson glowered darkly, and then returned to the reading group’s current book choice, A Few Kind Words and a Loaded Shot Gun by Razor Smith, the story of a career criminal which Dodgson grudgingly admitted had “taught me a fing or two” about the persuasive powers of rhetoric when backed by an appropriate firearm.

Mavis Gulliver, spokesperson for the Port Ellen group, was unfazed by the reported threats, threatening to “gut” Dodgson if he ever laid a finger on any member of their group, and reiterating her firm opinion that “crime never pays, as Inpector Rebus has shown us in every single one of his thrilling books”. Fellow members of the Isle of Islay book group straightened their cardigans and stood nervously beside her in an act of sisterhood.