Sloth Wendy Wasserstein Oxford University Press ISBN 0195166302 hardcover, 114 pages $23 (CDN)

We’ve had all the best intentions to carry our series on the Deadly Sins to its conclusion, but for one reason or another we keep putting it off. Other things suddenly acquire an importance all out of proportion to reality and rocket to the top of the “to do” list: our toenails suddenly strike us as extraordinarily savage in appearance; the heap of ironing can’t wait an instant longer — and thus it is that further Sinning gets postponed again.

In search of a deeper understanding of this foot-dragging we thought it best to consult an expert in the field, which is why we turned to the Oxford University Press book on Sloth. This is the sixth book in their ongoing series on the Seven Deadly Sins, a series in which the Press (in cooperation with The New York Public Library) “have annually invited a prominent figure in the arts and letters to give a series of lectures on a topic of his or her choice. Subsequently these lectures become the basis of a book.”

We don’t know Wendy Wasserstein from Adam (although we suspect that we could tell the two of them apart if needed, Adam being the one dressed by Fig & Sons). “Surely” we said to ourselves, “there must be others more expert in the field of Sloth who could have been contracted to write this book? Sloths with a reputation; sloths with fan clubs; sloths with their own line of monogrammed lounge wear and bedsore ointments?”

But expertise on Sloth is something not readily acquired, for it requires ambition to become expert in any field; and ambition is something to which professional sloths are fatally allergic. We have a hunch that there are several renowned sloths out there who have in their possession signed contracts from OUP commissioning them to pen this very book, experts who undoubtedly spent months intensely researching the topic drawing upon a lifetime’s familiarity, and who were eventually forced to scrap the resulting note and admit defeat. With this volume the OUP is, therefor, on somewhat shaky ground, since we suspect that Wasserstein is an accomplished, successful writer who merely pretends to an intimate understanding of the sin of Sloth.

In her introduction, Wasserstein appears to have anticipated some of these criticisms and gives full credit for the text of Sloth to an unnamed author that she met in Venice Beach, California while he was “lying on a hammock wearing light blue pajamas, the traditional sloth color.” Turns out that she is merely the author of the book’s introduction.

There were candy wrappers surrounding him, and he was watching a suspended plasma TV. I purchased a copy of his book from the bookseller standing beside him and handed it to the author for a signing. … He looked at me and said only, “I can see sloth will really help you. You need this.”

Yes, Sloth is a self-help book, full of positive advice to would-be sloths.¹ At the core of the book is The Sloth Plan, which

helps us to accept that there is no real hope for change. Power is in the hands of an elite, entitled few, and there is no reason to waste our lives howling in the wilderness. In other words, we can become insane wolves or very happy, sleepy sheep. Sure, someone else is richer, thinner, and given a hell of a lot more chances because of who they know. But the hell with them. No matter how hard you try, it will never be an even playing field. I say put that sloth button on your chest and proudly go to bed instead.

Succeeding with The Sloth Plan apparently requires a thorough understanding of “a scientific phenomenon called ‘lethargiosis’ — the process of eliminating energy and drive”. Fortunately a complete guide to lethargiosis is included at no extra charge, and at the successful conclusion of the program readers will have permanently removed themselves from “the brainwashed arena that is twenty-first-century life,” they will have “eliminate[d] the nagging tug of passion, creativity, and individual drive.”

The editorial collective at t&p is fully behind The Sloth Plan. If we could only rouse ourselves from our overwhelming torpor we would be among the first to propose an enthusiastic cheer.

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¹ With astonishing insight and candor the author notes that “lifestyle and dieting books are taking over the publishing industry, even at the revered Oxford University Press, so why shouldn’t I make a few easy million?”